Categories, Sexual Healing Series

Identity Crisis (Sexual Healing Series)

Before we get started:

  • Pray for Holy Spirit to be with you and guide you through this process as you won’t be able to do this alone.
  • Get a prayer partner or accountability partner or join our closed Sexual Healing group on Facebook here.
  • Be open and honest with yourself and transparent with your prayer partner or accountability person about any struggles or issues you’re having.
  • Enjoy the journey knowing that God is on your side and is more than willing to heal you!

identity-crisis-banner

 

Scripture: 1 Peter 2:9 (NIV) But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.


We were both fresh out of college when we got married. We were all lovey dovey and couldn’t stand to be away from each other. Then time passes, and the reality sinks in that you actually have to start doing life together, real life things like budget, pay bills, communicate. Before long, things started to get a little rocky. All of a sudden marriage didn’t look like I thought it would or should. All of my expectations weren’t being met, Hubby wasn’t being my knight in shining armor. He wasn’t telling me how fine and beautiful I was every day, or being affectionate everyday. He didn’t bring home flowers, and chocolates. He didn’t make me feel special, loved or needed everyday. In order for me to feel loved and cherished I needed this meer man to make me feel special because that’s what I expected and that’s what I needed him to do to make me feel secure and not doubt that I deserved to be married and to be loved unconditionally.  I needed him to do all these things every day so that I wouldn’t feel guilt and shame from my past and to some how prove to myself that I was worthy of love and valuable.

Looking back, this is what I expected from all my past relationships. I craved the attention and affection. My home life was so full of dysfunction and unpredictable circumstances, not the stability and security that a young girl needed. I wasn’t getting attention and affection from home from my mom and my dad was killed before I’d been born. There was no daily healthy affirmation or confirmation of who I was. So I sought the attention and affection elsewhere. I knew that my mom loved me but she had so many of her own demons to fight that she couldn’t fully give us what we needed, she couldn’t give what she didn’t have herself. If one guy wasn’t attentive enough, there was always another guy and another guy who was always available to make me feel beautiful, wanted, attractive and loved, special.  I thrived on the attention! The more attention I got, the more I felt validated and it took away from the hurt and pain that I had to deal with at home. It got even worse when I was in college. By then I was utterly boy crazy! I was so depressed from my past and I just covered it up with sex and all the attention I could get.

Well, this behavior played out in my marriage. Hubby and I didn’t get proper premarital counseling, we went in to marriage blindly, like sheep led to slaughter! We got what Hubby and I like to call “bootleg” counseling. The church we were attending at the time didn’t have any kind of marriage or premarital classes or counseling. We met with our pastor for about an hour. He asked all of five questions and when he found out we were living together, the only thing he told us was to stop having sex, not telling us why, and that we needed to get married sooner rather than later. So, we did, we got married and a few months later all hell broke loose!

I was expecting my husband to be my savior. My redeemer, the one to restore me and he couldn’t because that’s not his job. He needed someone to do and be the same for him and I couldn’t because that’s not my job either. Only Jesus can do this. We both came into marriage broken, battered and bruised filled with the pain and baggage from our pasts. He didn’t know who he was in Christ and neither did I so we put these unrealistic expectations on each other. You can’t be broken and get with another broken person and expect them to make you whole. No other human on this earth can complete you, ever. That’s not what humans are to do, only Jesus completes us. That’s why no matter how much sex, drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, attention you get or have, you’re never fulfilled. There’s a place in us only meant to be filled with Jesus and Jesus alone.

Path to Healing:

After some time, Hubby and I went to counseling and dealt with some of our past issues and learned how to work with each other. We also began to learn who we were in Christ. Throughout this journey, God called me to teach His truth about sex and during this journey He healed me as well. By replacing the lies with the truth, I was healed. My husband couldn’t and didn’t heal me, Jesus did. My husband isn’t responsible for my happiness and neither are my children, I am. People will come and go, will hurt you, try to break you, discourage you, knock you down, talk about you, wear you down, but Jesus won’t! All these things I experienced growing up because no one taught me who I was in Christ. I only heard of God here and there, but never about Jesus dying for my sins, my healing and wholeness and that I can be co-heirs with Him and be a child of God! Since I didn’t know these things, I went searching to fill this void in all the wrong places. Again I say, ignorance is NOT bliss. The things I did when I was young followed me into my marriage. My getting married didn’t make my hurts, pains, and flaws go away, they were just magnified! God uses marriage to draw things out of us and man is it painful sometimes.  I’m always amazed at how my husband knows exactly what button to push and how God shows me something about myself that I need to let Him in to heal or that I need to work on. Once I learned that I am God’s treasured possession, His daughter, the one He takes delight in, His child that’s fearfully and wonderfully made, I was able to relax and enjoy my marriage more! When my husband was being very human, it was easy to forgive him because I understood that he’s human and that God is working on him just like He’s working on me. My husband needed to have his junk uprooted too. So, knowing these things, it became easier to extend mercy and grace towards one another.

Work it out:

Not to say that you will be perfect going in to marriage, but BEFORE you get married, deal with you now! Learn who you are in Christ so that you won’t go into marriage with all these unrealistic expectations that will only put your marriage in crisis mode. You need Jesus now and you will most definitely need Him when you’re married! If you’re already married and things are already in crisis mode, focus on getting your heart right. Don’t look at what your husband is or isn’t doing. Let God handle Him, you focus on what God is telling you to work on.

Now, I want you to write down some of the lies that you believe about yourself or circumstances and then beside each one, write truth. For instance, for me it was not feeling worthy or valued, so my go to scripture was Psalm 37:23 (NLT) The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights (takes pleasure) in every detail of their lives. Just knowing that God took pleasure in every detail about my life blessed my heart! I didn’t have to worry about anyone else, because I knew that my Father cared about me. Below are some scriptures to get you started. Take time to write them out, meditate on them and use them to replace the lies and learn who you are in Christ! 

  1. Romans 12:2
  2. Psalm 37:23
  3. 1 Peter 2:9
  4. Psalm 94:19
  5. Romans 6:6
  6. Deuteronomy 7:6
  7. 2 Corinthians 3:17
  8. Isaiah 62:3
  9. Galatians 3:26
  10. Ephesians 2:10
  11. Psalm 139:14
  12. Song of Songs 4:7
  13. 1 Samuel 16:7
  14. Proverbs 31:30

Prayer:

Gracious and loving Father, thank you for your unconditional love, mercy and grace. Thank you Jesus for the forgiveness of sin.  I pray for every person who’s dealing with an identity crisis. Father I pray that you begin to show them who You created them to be. Show them how You see them. Father I pray that you will replace the lies told them by the enemy and replace them with Your truth. I pray for healing and wholeness in their hearts and minds. I pray for marriages to begin the healing process and I pray for wisdom and guidance for those preparing to be married. Lead them to wise counsel Lord and I pray that they take heed to all that they learn. I pray that all will continue to press forward towards all that you have for them! In Jesus’ name, Amen

I look forward to hearing about your experiences this week and if there are any other scriptures you’d like to share, questions or you just want to chat with someone who’s walking this same path, join us in the closed Facebook group here!

Be blessed & encouraged,

Shannon

Categories

POLL: Will You Take A Second To Vote?

 

Thank you so much for taking time to vote!!

Be blessed & encouraged,

Shannon

Categories

Of Highest Regard

Bracelet pure messgaeHi!! So in the next 4 days of the Scripture Writing Plan, we’re taking a little trip to the Old Testament.  I included these scriptures because I wanted us to take a look at just how seriously sexual sin was taken during this time.  Virginity was held in very high regard and was what defined a woman, and determined her eligibility for marriage. All parties were held accountable, the young woman, her parents, the man and even the elders of the city. Virginity was a big deal and being found not having her “virginity” intact was a disgrace to the woman and her family.

During this period of time, the bedding that was used during the wedding night, was kept by her parents as proof of her fidelity.  The blood showed proof that her husband was her first sexual partner because of her hymen that was broken during their first sexual experience.  Once this was examined and proved by the elders of the city, the husband was fined because he accused her of not being a virgin or not satisfying him anymore, therefore giving her a bad name.

God gave the responsibility of protection to the men, her father and her husband.  Before marriage, it is the duty of the parents to protect the purity of their family, especially the man. How terribly different our world is today!! There’s no regard for purity, virginity at all! None! Our men are taken out by various sins, hurts and ignorance, never truly knowing the great call that has been placed on their lives as priests and protectors.

I won’t go into too much detail because I want Holy Spirit to reveal much to you and I pray that we as daughters of the King come to understand just how strongly God feels about us, about our purity, bodies, how precious virginity is.  For some of us, not knowing this has caused us to learn a lot of things the hard way but praise God it’s never too late to start treasuring our bodies and thank Him for redemption and restoration!! It is now our responsibility walk worthy and accordingly and teach our sisters and daughters the TRUTH of who they are and were created to be! I look forward to hearing what revelation you get on this journey!!

Be blessed & encouraged,

Shannon

Categories

Modesty=Not Sexy?

It’s summer and I bet you’ve already gotten your swimwear right? And, I bet the majority of you bought a bikini, right? Well, I hope you kept your receipt! Check this out!

 

 

Be blessed & encouraged,

Shannon

Categories

God’s Protective Love

Lisa was a beautiful woman, smart and intelligent. She had everything going for her – her own car, house, and was working in her career field. The only thing she longed for was love from a man – her soul mate, her partner in life to share all of life’s ups and downs. One day, she meets Mark and he seems to be all she’s ever wanted! He’s handsome, smart, and has everything going for himself. Unbeknownst to Lisa, Mark knows he is a great catch and he uses his success and status to his advantage. Sadly for Lisa, she feels she has to accept his bad behavior and the way he treats her. This is because she so desperately wants to be loved and cherished. So, she tells herself if she continually shows him that she is his, will be there for him, and will do whatever he wants, he will come around and be all that she wants and needs him to be.

Time goes on and it seems that no matter what Lisa does or doesn’t do, Mark will not commit to her. He just refuses to love her wholeheartedly. Thankfully, they broke up! Lisa endured her experience with unrequited love. Have any of you been there? I know I have and it doesn’t feel good at all! It’s painful to be in love with someone who will not return or reciprocate your love. It has the potential to sap the life out of you, cause you to be down and hard on yourself as if you’re the one who’s done something wrong! This, ladies, is a trick of the enemy.

The old adage “hindsight is 20/20” is very true, as I see better now. I loved with all I had, yet nothing was returned! Looking back, instead of seeing what I could have done differently, I look at this as God’s way of protecting me. In Lisa’s case, she was being protected from settling for less than God’s best for her. The sad thing is that so many of us beautiful women make the same decision to settle! God, the Creator of all things great and beautiful, did not create us to settle. He has great plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11) and He knows whom He has set aside for us.

Now, if I’d settled for the guy who I just knew was “the one,” I would have missed my husband! The thought of that makes my stomach turn! My husband is everything I’ve ever wanted physically and all that I need spiritually as the leader and head of our home. Had I not let the bad go and trusted God…well, let’s not go there. The point is, sometimes when things don’t go the way we want or hope, instead of getting depressed and upset about it, look at the lesson in the situation. This goes for jobs and business opportunities as well. We have to remind ourselves that what’s good isn’t always God.

Sometimes unrequited love is our visual, our proof of God’s protective love. He guides and leads us as we would guide and lead our own children. The great thing about God is that He can see the bigger picture; He can see what’s ahead of us. Why not trust Him to protect us? Even more, why surrender our lives to God and not trust Him in every area of our lives? In dealing with unrequited love and the pain involved, why wouldn’t He want to protect us from it? Here are some examples of God’s protective love:

Defends us: No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord (Isaiah 54:17 NIV).

Guards us from attack: For the scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect and guard you’ (Luke 4:10 NLT).

Protects us from invasion (of heart, privacy, life): The Lord is my light and my salvation— so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? (Psalm 27:1 NLT).

Protects us from loss: He gives prosperity to the poor and protects those who suffer (Job 5:11 NLT).

Protects us from insult: Let me not be put to shame, O Lord, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave (Psalms 31:17 NIV).

Covers or shields us from injury or danger: The Lord Himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade (Psalms 121:5 NLT).

There will be many opportunities in this life of faith to be redirected by God’s protective love.  It’s in how we respond to it that will show if we will reciprocate His love for us, or if His love for us will be unrequited? Don’t look at redirection as the end; look at it as the protective love of God and be grateful for His hand in your life. Unrequited love could be the best thing that’s happened to you!

Be blessed & encouraged,

Shannon

Categories

There Just Aren’t Any Good Men Out There!

*Disclaimer: this is not all men or all women, ok?*

Ok, so this is what I hear all the time and I know of a contributing factor as to why there are not as many good men out there…it’s because of us women! Yes, I said it and let me tell you why.

Men were created by God to be our protectors, provider and the priest of our home.  As women our role is to love and respect the man.  None of this is going on in this world.  Women are  taught, told and want to be independent, not in need of a man, so if you don’t need a man, what’s the point of trying to have one?  You’ve taken over his role! Why bother being with you if you have it all together?  If you’re independent then what is the man to do? He’s being forced out of his God-given role and now they have become lazy, have no focus, no ambition and no desire to provide, protect or be a priest!

Say you don’t want to be Ms. Independent you want a man, got to have a man, so you dress and do WHATEVER it takes to get him.  Well, first understand that you will get what you attract! You dress like a whore, you get treated like one. You become a play thing, a toy, amusement for when he’s bored.  Men are stimulated visually.  If all you want him to do is desire you sexually, then dress the part and that’s what you’ll get but if you want love and respect, then love and respect yourself! The mind and eyes are sex organs for men.  We as women have to remember that! We have a lot of power and God didn’t give it to us to misuse especially to use against His sons, our brothers in Christ.  Yes, they are our brothers! When dressing like a prostitute, you’re causing your brother to commit adultery with you in his mind.  Would you want someone to cause your biological brother to commit adultery? Then, not only this but in chasing a man down and going out to get him yourself, you take on the responsibility of being God.  God’s job is to bring you to your husband when the time is right, not you go out and find him and hunt him down!  Men have the innate desire to conquer his woman, when we take that from him, where does that leave him? Our aggressiveness takes away their masculinity.

If a man is married, LEAVE HIM ALONE! Nothing good will come out of it! Would you want someone coming after your husband?

WIVES: TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBANDS NEEDS AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIM BEING SEDUCED BY A WOMAN WITH NO MORALS!

Bottom line, ladies, know your place.  God has a beautiful design and purpose for men and women that works wonderfully if we’ll just stay in our lane.  Let a man be a man.  Let God be God. You don’t have to dress like a prostitute to get a good man or get attention or affection, that’s God’s job to fill those places.  You don’t have to go hunt a man down, God will take care of that for you. Don’t buy into the lie that being sexy and being a seductress demonstrates power and femininity, so not true.  This is the total opposite of God’s plan. Focus on the man in your life now, God, and if you don’t have Him, He’s waiting for you!

Be blessed & encouraged,

Shannon