Hi! I’m in the process of publishing my first book, y’all pray for me! As I’m in the process of publishing the first one, I’ve started on the second one, which is fiction mixed with a little life truth, and thought I’d share a little teaser 😉
…My God what have I done?! My life is a mess! My heart is a mess! The pain is unbearable. I can barely breathe! It hurts to breathe! I want to cry but the tears won’t come. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why did this happen? To me! Haven’t I gone through enough? The pain of seeing my mom throw her life away and kill herself with drugs and alcohol and now a painful, hurtful marriage! The entire marriage has been painful! God, my soul hurts, it aches. Words can’t describe the hurt and pain and disappointment, anger, frustration and hopelesness.
With you there’s always hope, right? I feel sick to my stomach with grief. Who am I? What do I do now? God I have begged you, pleaded, cried, prayed that you would take these feelings away. But you haven’t. Why have me continue to love someone I can never have and worst yet, he still loves me! He’s honored that I still love him, but my husband could care less about me! All he does is tear me down to nothing! He never misses a chance to remind me of my mistakes! As if he’s perfect and has never done anything wrong! My God will this pain ever stop?! What do I do now God? I don’t want to fail you. I don’t want to go to hell, I want to please you but how when I know you know what’s in my heart. Am I gonna go to hell for feeling this way? If only I’d truly known you sooner, if I ‘d been stronger, if I’d fought, fought for Gavin’s love. I told Evan it was over, it hurts too bad to love him, it’s painful loving him. He doesn’t know how to love me. He’s all about himself. There’s no we, just him. His wants, his needs.
God, I don’t know how much more of this emptiness I can take! How do I get out of this? I trust you Lord, now what do you want me to do? First Peter 3 is too hard and too painful to do. I don’t even know if I still want to be married or not. I just want this to be over. I still can’t breathe, how can I rest and sleep feeling like this? I don’t, I can’t talk to him, I don’t know what to say. Too much pain and he just doesn’t get it. He just can’t seem to understand me. Sometimes I wish I could press the reset button but then I wouldn’t have my children. I want to cry, maybe the pain will stop but I don’t want to wake the kids, the tears won’t come anyway.
This really is my life. This is a bunch of BS! I keep hoping that I’ll wake up from a bad dream. Who knew wanting and getting love and affection from your husband would be so hard! Holy Spirit and Jesus I hope you’re truly interceding for me now because I no longer know what to pray or ask for except for this pain to stop.
Now that I look back, the signs were all there, the warnings, the words of wisdom; I didn’t listen. Even the fights before the engagement, the sense of relief during our temporary break-up. Nope, I listened to Evan. “Have faith in me” he said. I was so stupid! Why in the world did I think that marriage would change things? Maybe because I knew nothing about marriage to begin with. I should have known something was wrong because I thought of Gavin on the day of our wedding. Who thinks of another man on her wedding day? Even our wedding night was awkward. The signs were all there yet I ignored them. And now I’m in the biggest mess of my life! Lord, please save me from myself….
So, what’cha think? Would you keep reading? This is my first time attempting fiction so be gentle :-). I shall continue writing! Until next time…
Be blessed & encouraged,